


Reminiscing

by BlueShadow75



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Magnus/Oc but still Malec all the way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 03:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6499825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueShadow75/pseuds/BlueShadow75
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“ Who did you love the most in your life?” <br/>The question shouldn’t have been so simple, really. Magnus Bane had lived for a long time and loved many people, men and women. He should have had to think about it, should have had to remember Etta and Imasu and Camille, but all he could see in his mind were blue eyes and dark hair. All he could think about was a tingling laugh and an off-key whistling that still haunted him every night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reminiscing

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, I'm back? With a slightly more angsty OS, I've gotta admit. Sorry about that. Anyway, I had to get this idea out of my system because my muse wouldn't leave me alone before I wrote it, so I did and I'm not sure about how I feel with the result, to be honest... Tell me what you think! Reviews make my day!  
> P.S: As usual, I own nothing except for my OC Alice. Also, English isn't my first language, so if you see any mistakes, just tell me and I'll fix it!

“Who did you love the most in your life? ”

The question shouldn’t have been so simple, really. Magnus Bane had lived for a long time and loved many people, men and women. He should have had to think about it, should have had to remember Etta and Imasu and Camille, but all he could see in his mind were blue eyes and dark hair. All he could think about was a tingling laugh and an off-key whistling that still haunted him every night.

He slowly turned on his side toward Alice and smiled down at her. She was a small girl, curvy and pretty with pale skin, red-brown hair and chocolate eyes, brought up by the paleness of the sheet surrounding her at the moment, eyes that seemed to be able to read into your soul. She was perceptive too; nothing escaped her gaze, not a lie and not one simple dissimulation. Maybe that came from the sight the mundane had inherited from ancient fey ancestors, the warlock wasn’t sure. She was someone nice to have around, but she knew as well as Magnus did that she wasn’t the first, or the last of Magnus conquests, just as he wouldn’t be her last either. Magnus couldn’t tell what they were. They were more than friends, surely, but not exactly lovers. They both had loved and had lost, so perhaps they were each other’s companion through the hardest nights. It wasn’t love; Magnus had been running away from this feeling for decades now. But it was something. And Magnus needed it. And Alice was more interested to know about his past love than she was jealous about them. Maybe that was why he felt more comfortable sharing his memories with her. It might also have something to do with a certain Nephilim who taught him that his past did matter and shaped who he was. An angel (quite literally) who had taught him that to love and be loved in return, he needed to share everything he was and what had lead him there. And so he decided to answer honestly to her question, knowing that it wouldn’t make her run away.

“His name was Alexander, but I probably was the only one to ever call him that. For everyone else, he was Alec Lightwood,” he whispered, hearing the reverence in his own voice.

“Tell me about him. What was he like? ” 

Magnus dug into his memories. What was Alexander Gideon Lightwood like? The answer, complicated as it was, came to him as obvious. “Alec was a brother and a protector. He was a shadowhunter, probably one of the most loyal parabatai I’ve ever met- and I’ve met a lot of them. He had hair the color of the night and eyes the color of the sea. He would have given his life for any of those he cared about. He cared about a lot of people. The first time I’ve met him, he was hiding in the shadows, trying to hide who he really was behind old, ratty sweaters and his sibling’s, especially his brother’s, presence. He was so convinced of his own worthlessness that he couldn’t believe I had any interest in him at first. But then we went on a not-so-catastrophic first date. And then a better one. We kissed, we fought, we made up, we fought again and we fell in love in the mess that both our lives had become.” Magnus took a breath, feeling the weight or Alice’s gaze on him. She shuffled a bit in the bed they were occupying to look at him more closely, visibly trying to make sense of her thoughts before she asked what was really bothering her. 

“Could you tell me?”. He turned toward her, giving her permission with his eyes to ask what she really wanted to ask. “Could you tell me your story?” , she clarified, eyes cast downward and looking at her hands, folded in front of her.

Magnus considered it for a moment, wondering if he should refuse. Talking about Alexander was always painful, even years after his death, so he avoided it. But at the same time… Well how could he say no to an opportunity like that? An opportunity to relive this wonderful love story that never really ended between him and the great love of his life. It would be painful, he knew it. How many nights had he woken up, quietly sobbing after dreaming of Alexander’s laugh, or his touch, only to realize it was only an illusion? Alice had been there recently to help him in those moments; holding him and humming softly that French lullaby her mom sang to her when she was little and still scared of the dark. She never asked what the dreams were about, and he never felt the need to tell her. Until now.

In the end, he gave in to the need he felt of remembering these moments, the good ones as well as the bad. He laid back down again with his eyes closed, face turned toward the ceiling, seeing a familiar face behind his eyelids.

“We had a rocky start. It hasn’t been easy, he and I. He wasn’t out, wasn’t ready to tell the world who he was, and I wasn’t ready to wait. We almost destroyed ourselves and more than once I thought that what we had might not be worth all the pain we were inflicting each other. We almost ended it. But then his younger brother died. It broke him because he felt like he had failed his own family, what was dearest to his heart, in protecting them, but at the same time, it was as if he realized how short life could be. He kissed me not so long after, in front of the entire Clave and shadowhunter population, right before a battle I which we thought we would both most likely die.” He didn’t have to look at her to see the regret in her eyes, the sadness that always accompanied her during his saddest stories, as if she almost, almost but not quite, regretted asking him questions. Magnus knew that, at this point, her eyes were probably starting to water with tears she refused herself to shed, but he kept going anyway.

“We survived it, somehow. We stayed together during all of it, killing and screaming, surrounded by death and destruction. But we survived. And he introduced me to his family, to his parents, during the celebration of our victory. They were cold, have been during their whole life, but kind of accepting nonetheless and that was all Alexander needed, as he already had his siblings’ complete support, so I was happy for him. For us. To celebrate both of our victories, I brought him all around Europe; to Paris, Berlin, Venice and even in India, to name only a few. That’s when we made love for the first time. And for a moment, everything was perfect.”

Alice tensed up next to him, sensing the arrival of the most painful parts of the story. “And then?, ” she whispered. Magnus sighed as he turned in her direction, detaching his gaze from the ceiling. “Then my past came back to haunt me, like it always does, dear.”

“You told me once that living with an immortal meant living with all of his history.”

“Yes, but Alec wasn’t prepared for it. He was so young and I wasn’t ready to talk about my past to him, not ready to tell him about the other ones I fell for. So when one of them came back, he felt betrayed and trivial. I hadn’t given him any reason to trust me, or us, so he didn’t. Camille, I’ve told you a bit about her before, I think, used this to her advantage, as she always did. Next thing I know, she gave him an offer he couldn’t just refuse. She told him a bit about my past and made him believe we could both grow old together.” Magnus bit his lip nervously. That part of their story was always the hardest to explain to those who weren't there at the time, those who din't know him and Alec then. Alice's voice broke him out of his thoughts.

“She told him she could shorten your life? Take away your immortality?” The young mundane looked at Magnus in horror. He felt almost angry at her. She hadn’t been with him long enough to understand what Alec was going through, never really been with him at all, actually. They shared a bed, she and Magnus. A bed and the pain of their past, nothing more. He didn’t want her to judge Alec for the mistakes he did, especially since the warlock knew he had his share of responsibility in the story. He had forgiven Alec in the end and, to him, it was the only part of the story that mattered.

Alice noticed immediately the coldness that replaced the longing in Magnus’ eyes. She stayed quiet, beckoning him with her eyes to continue the story, promising herself to wait until the end of it to start judging anyone. She would never know how much it meant to her immortal friend.

“He refused her offer, obviously, but not right away. He wouldn’t have done it, I know it and I’m pretty sure he was aware of that too. He didn’t do it right away, but he did in the end. He refused, but his conversations with Camille kept on happening anyway. She would still tell him bits and pieces of my past, manipulate him into thinking he was trivial and that I would forget him as soon as he died, if I even put up with him after he started growing white hair.” Magnus scoffed bitterly.

“And he believed her.” It wasn’t a question. Magnus sighed. “He did. I was oblivious as to what was going on at the time, we had some problems. The supernatural equivalent of Hitler was on the loose and… well he had an advantage on us at the time, so we were trying to even things out. Anyway, one day Camille told me about the deal she’d made with him. You can imagine that she forgot the part where he refused and, knowing I wouldn’t believe her, told me to be in the city’s abandoned subway at a certain time. I saw Alec there, probably on his way to one of their meetings. I confronted him, broke up with him and left without looking back. I'd never hurt that much before in my entire life.”

Magnus stopped talking and turned his back to Alice. She could sense his struggle as he tried to hold himself together. She simply splayed her fingers on his shoulder, very much aware that he wished it was someone else’s hand on his skin. After a moment of harsh breathing, Magnus turned toward her again and kept on telling his story, hiding his pain behind a sad smile. Alice wasn’t convinced, but she decided to play along. “Was it the last time you saw him?”

Magnus let out a bark of laughter at her question, wiping a bit of moisture from under his eye. “Oh, certainly not, darling. I didn’t know it at the time, but our story had only just begun. It took a long time. Weeks of unanswered voicemails, threats from his sister, a very _very_ difficult heartbreak and a kidnapping for us to get back together.”

“A kidnapping?” Alice seemed torn in between her amusement and her disbelief. Magnus understood the sentiment, his Relationship with Alexander had truly been one hell of a rollercoaster.

“Let’s just say that he _literally_ went through hell and back to save me from the supernatural Hitler I mentioned earlier. It’s a long story, but after all that had happened and getting his side of the story… let’s say that I didn’t want to be apart from him anymore, knowing how quickly we could both die. I wanted to spend eternity with him, even if we didn’t have that much time. He wanted to remain human, be a shadowhunter for the rest of his life. I couldn’t take that away from him, no matter how painful it was to see what little time we would have together.” Magnus stopped talking again to clear his throat. He turned to her unusually bright eyes and she had to wipe the small tears forming in her own eyes, breathing calmly. Magnus seemed to be hurting, but at the same time, she could see the colors on his cheeks, the slight curve of his mouth, hiding a sad smile. Happiness and fondness were battling with bitterness in his heart. He was visibly reminiscing his time with his former boyfriend. Alice knew how it felt. Being forever apart from someone you loved… It was hard.

Magnus took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for the end of the story. “He lived a long time, especially for a shadowhunter. In the end, no matter how painful it was to see him drifting away, I could see that a part of him was relieved. Before he died, he told me that he missed his brothers and his sister. He was the last one standing in the small group he had formed with his closest friends and his family, you know? And I knew in this moment that no matter how hard it was to lose him, it was better for him. He would’ve been unhappy as an immortal, even if he had me. He also needed his family. And so I let him go. I kissed him and told him that I loved him and- ” He seemed unable to stop. It was as if all the pain and the despair and the heartbreak were pouring out of Magnus Bane with every word he spoke. Alice took it in; let his pain sink in her heart like a knife. It was for the best, she knew it. He needed to let it all out before he could start to heal properly. “And just like that, he was gone. He was gone and I was still here. And so I've been waiting ever since.”

“Waiting for what?” As she asked the question, Alice realized she already knew his answer. She felt her heart break for him all over again and had to take a deep brath to calm herself. She wasn't doing this for herself, she was doing it for her friend- or whatever she and Magnus were.

Magnus sighed before answering. “Death, I guess. I make the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and wait to be reunited with him when my time comes to go away from here.”

“You still love him, don’t you? You never stopped. My question was about the one you loved the most, but at the same time, you told me who you still occupies the biggest place in your heart.” Alice smiled sadly at her companion and he managed a feeble grin in response. “Yes, it’s true. What can I say? I only ever had one great love of my life. He wasn’t the first, but I know he’ll be the last. I’ve loved him for decades, I still love him today and I know that I’ll still love him for centuries, whether I see him again or not.”

Alice sat up quickly, feeling determination fille her entire body. “You will. People who love each other cannot be kept apart. Not even by death.” She assured him with fire in her eyes. Magnus shot her another smile, a more sincere one this time. She wasn't sure he actually believed her, but he seemed determined to drop the subject for now. He flipped on his side and poked her in the stomach, biting his lip. “After all this, I think it is only fair for me to return the question, Allie dear. So, who did you love the most in your life?”

“Well, his name was- ”

 


End file.
